Drops of Void
by Kasigi Omi
Summary: Sirius writes a letter to Harry, discussing the good and bad aspects of falling in love. SBRL


Disclaimer: JKR's characters.

Notes: Written during a bad time in my life... very bad. Finally got around to posting here. And you guys know, if you like this story I have a billion other SB/RL stories on my account- more than I even realized I had written. Apparently I was prolific once upon a time...

Drops of Void

Dear Harry,

I know I have no way of getting this letter to you, since I'm told all of the available ways are being watched, but I feel I need to write it anyway. You see, I hear you've been having a bit of relationship trouble lately, and I wanted to give you some advice. Though I may be unable to do that, the report did trigger some memories of mine that I felt the need to record. Might as well write them down for you, eh?

Relationships can be a blessing or a curse, Harry. You've already learned what it's like to lose someone you love. Fortunately, you can barely remember it. You're very lucky for that. But I would like to tell you right now that there are other ways than death to lose someone.

Ever since I had turned about thirteen, I felt like I was carrying a huge, gaping abyss in the middle of my chest. A great empty void, and it ached Harry. You wouldn't think a void could ache, but it could. From what I've heard, this is a pretty common thing with teenagers. My guess is that it is attempts to fill this void that leads to chains of unhappy relationships and random sexual encounters. Mind, it's just a theory and I am not always right. Just most of the time.

So, I had this pain in my soul, and where could I turn to? Not home, that's for sure. My 'dear' mum would have laughed herself sick and then hexed me for whining. My father was no better. True, I had some relatives I could talk to, but they weren't easily accessible, what with my parents hating them and all. I didn't even talk to James, as I just felt too pathetic. Besides, habits die hard. I was used to keeping my feelings to myself because of my family. That was just the way I was.

Yet there was something about Remus that allowed me to confide in him. Whenever I was feeling depressed, I would run to him and sometimes cry on his shoulder. At first this shocked him, but he grew accustomed to it and later returned the favor, for it is a favor Harry, to be that trusted.

Anyway, sometime about sixth year, Remus and I became involved in a relationship. Does this surprise you? I know it surprised both of us, despite the fact that the signs had been there for at least two years prior. James wasn't surprised at all, let me tell you. He actually started laughing and spent weeks telling us how stupid we had been not to realize sooner. Your father was a real prat sometimes. I loved him though.

But that's beside the point. As I was saying, Remus and I got involved and I had never been happier. Suddenly that huge void was filled to the brim and I was as like to shed tears of joy as anything else. Most embarrassing sometimes, as I'm sure you can guess, but Remus did it too and so I didn't feel so stupid.

Things were wonderful for a few months, and then his parents found out. Needless to say, they didn't take it well. His mother grew hysterical and told him that if he didn't end things with me, he wasn't allowed home that summer and they wouldn't pay for him to go back to school. I'm sure you can imagine how this angered your father and I.

Angry wasn't the only thing I was feeling though. I was also scared that he would leave me. Months passed. He was given the end of school as a deadline, and he thought about what he was going to do for the months up till the end. He only actually made up his mind completely a few days before we got out.

Fairly shortly he established that he didn't want to leave me, but he didn't want to lose his family either. So, he tried for a while to talk to his mother and reason with her. This didn't work. She was hysterical. Bloody conservative, she was. I'm glad she's dead. Just don't tell Remus I said that. He always has loved his mother, the bloody bitch.

The sad thing is, this is all so far behind me now, but I feel the anger just as strongly as I write this as I did then. James had already established with his mother that Remus could come live with us over the summer, and if it had been me I would have already gone. I wouldn't have allowed anyone to treat me the way his mother did. Especially not if I had a way out.

Anyway, she grew impatient and moved the deadline up. He told me he wasn't going to leave me, and was going to lie to his mother and say we had broken up. I thought it a daft idea, but he wasn't listening to my arguments. Not a bloody word, and I tried so hard not to grow resentful of him. But it's hard, Harry, when someone is causing you pain like that not to be resentful.

He decided at the last minute to tell the truth. That he wanted to go home and yet he couldn't just leave me. It was something he had to figure out for himself, he told her. She didn't like it and shouted at him, even hitting him. She came at me as well, and it was only the fact that Remus was there and I knew he didn't want me to kill the bitch that restrained me. I trembled with rage after she had gone.

Long story short, he decided to go back with his initial plan of lying to her. There was a lot of angst in this period, and him trying to justify the pain he was putting me through all the while ignoring my comments and logic. I can be a bloody good politician when I want to be, Harry. I know how people work, and I knew how his mother worked from observation, but he didn't listen. I almost hated him for it.

The point of all this is, when he left the express and I knew I probably wasn't going to see him for the entire summer, despite his assurances that he would find ways to see me, I felt empty inside. I could have gone back to my family home and not cared. I was too dead. I cried a lot at this time, and every single tear that spilled out was one more drop that was draining out of the void Remus had filled in me. It emptied, over a summer of not seeing him, and I sincerely wanted to die. I probably would have, just from neglect had it not been for your father.

When I saw Remus again, I didn't know if I wanted to hang on and never let go, or punch him in the face and scream at him. To make him feel as terrible as he had made me feel. Nothing worked with his mother, by the way. The woman was too daft to accept something different into her family. She couldn't handle it. I'm glad she's dead. I've never hated anyone as much as I've hated her, and that goes for Snape too.

I'm sure there was a moral somewhere in this story. Ah yes, if you love someone, for the love of Quidditch, don't let them get away from you. Not even for a little while, because it hurts. It hurts more than anything else in the entire world. From what I have heard, what you are dealing with is more of a crush, but still. For future reference and all.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job of guiding you or giving you advice, what with not even being able to contact you. I was originally planning to just burn this letter after I wrote it, but now… Maybe not. Maybe I could give it to Dumbledore or something and have him give it to you. Some insight into my mind, if useless in your situation. I'm just attempting to feel useful.

I hope you're well, Harry. I want to be able to be here for you, like your father was for me when I needed him. Take care of yourself.

Sirius


End file.
